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What to Say to a Pastor or Priest the First Time

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Most people who want to talk to a pastor or a priest put it off for the same reason: they do not know how to begin. It feels as if you need a clear problem, the right words and a reason good enough to take someone's time. You need none of those. Clergy hear unfinished thoughts every week, and a first sentence that stumbles is normal.

You can start with almost anything

A first conversation does not need a summary. Any of these is enough to begin:

A good pastor or priest will take it from there with questions. Your part is only to be honest about where you are.

A few things worth thinking about first

What a pastor or priest will usually do

Expect listening first. Many will ask what brought you, how long it has been going on and who else knows. Some will open or close with a short prayer, and most will ask before they do. Scripture may come into it, not as a lecture but as something to hold on to. Galatians 6:2 is the plainest description of the job: “Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.”

What they will not do

A pastoral conversation is spiritual care. It is not therapy, and clergy are not licensed to diagnose or treat a mental-health condition. If what you are carrying sounds clinical, a good pastor will say so and help you find a counselor or a doctor; that is care, not a brush-off. A conversation with a priest outside the sacrament is also not confession, and no absolution is given. Our guide to pastoral counseling and confession sets out the difference, and spiritual direction, pastoral counseling or therapy helps if you are not sure which one you need.

Confidentiality, honestly

Clergy keep ordinary confidentiality, and many hold it very seriously. It is still worth asking at the start what stays private. The absolute seal belongs to sacramental confession only. In some places clergy are required to report a risk of serious harm to a child or to someone's life, so ask if that matters for what you want to say.

How to end well

Before you finish, say what helped and what you still need. Ask whether you can talk again, and whether there is something to read or pray in the meantime. Write down one sentence you want to remember. Then do one small thing that same day: read the passage you talked about, or pray for five minutes.

If you would rather start from your phone

Some people find it easier to speak to someone they have never met, without a parish office or a waiting room. In the Quiethaven app for iPhone you can talk to a verified priest or pastor one-on-one, audio only and never recorded. Our roster of counselors is still being built, and the app shows who is available before you ask.

If you are in danger or thinking about harming yourself, do not wait for any of this. In the United States call or text 988, or contact emergency services where you are.

About the author

The Quiethaven Editorial Team — The Quiethaven editorial team writes about Bible reading, prayer and the Christian year, with theological review across Protestant, Catholic and Orthodox traditions.

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